Magic Mike

“It’s against the law to touch, but I see a lot of law breakers in here.”

That is easily the most ridiculous one-liner I’ve heard today.

With that said, this is how I imagine straight women will indulge themselves in the eye candy of chiseled abs and swinging man bits that is Magic Mike.

Roughly:

START OF MOVIE

• Interest
• Giggly interest
• Super giggly interest
• Schoolgirl giggly interest
• Temperature rising interest
• *Ab flash* Super interest
• *More Ab flash* Super-duper interest
• * Banana hammock square dancing* Swooning with unbearable interest
• * Sweaty-naked Tatum and McConaughey fighting/wrestling* Ovaries explode with interest
• *Abs flash* Interest
• Giggly Interest
• ….etc
• Rinse and repeat until the end of the movie
• Sleep

END OF MOVIE

This is probably how it would go for me.

START OF MOVIE

• No interest, anger for being at movie.
• No interest, some points for Buncha Crunch
• No interest
• Confusion
• Slight interest
• Growing Interest
• *Ab flash*  Full on interest
• *More Ab flash*  Large amount of invested interest
• * Banana hammock square dancing* Sweating with unbearable interest
• * Sweaty-naked Tatum and McConaughey fighting/wrestling* Very, very overwhelmed with interest
• No interest
• Shame
• Hunger/need a sandwich
• Sleep

END OF MOVIE 

Mind you that is just an estimate, I don’t claim to know anything about anything.

Evil Dead 2 With Style

This is the Evil Dead 2 trailer, it has been all rotoscoped like.

I’m posting this not only because I’m a huge Evil Dead and Bruce Campbell fan, but because I think this just looks freaking sweet.

What do you think?

Source

Just Add Moustache

Need to make a movie better? Just add Tom Selleck’s legendary moustache. It takes a bad movie and makes it good, takes a good movie and makes it great, takes a great movie and alters the scales of awesome.

 

Worst Science Fiction Movie Ever

Over at io9 the folks are doing a March Madness bracket on the worst science fiction movies ever. I suggest you head on over to io9 and put your vote in. Some movies are so amazingly pinned together that it is hard to measure how much they sucked because the movie titles are measurements of suck themselves.

Example.

Waterworld v Batman and Robin

How do you pick between those two?  I would reason that Batman and Robin was 3 Waterworlds. Then again I could argue that Waterworld was 3 Batman and Robin. I guess there is a 1:1 ratio there so the pairing makes sense.

I picked Batman and Robin because of the Bat-nipples.

 

GO HERE AND VOTE!!!

 

 

The Greatest Speech

This is probably one of the greatest monologues I have ever heard. It comes from the Charlie Chaplin movie called The Great Dictator, it is the ending speech of the movie.

I really have only one word for this speech, art. What really grabs me is that even though it is dated, it is still relevant.

 

Still Rioting…

I just read this.

 

For the lazy:

After 3 long months, Bloody D has finally scored the inside scoop on the plot crunch for The Evil Dead, and honestly, it’s pretty damn disappointing.

The reboot is true to the roots of Raimi’s original as it follows a group of friends who hole up in a remote cabin, discover the “Book of the Dead” and accidentally unleash an unrelenting group of Deadites.

The “new spin” is the motivation behind the trip, with the lead character taking his younger sister to the family’s cabin to help her kick her drug addiction. Without her drugs she becomes insane and difficult to control, which makes it impossible to see that she’s actually possessed.

The worst part, though, is that one of the friends unleashes the demons by deciphering the Book of the Dead and reading the passages aloud. (Yeah, because just some kid would know how to read ancient text. Sigh.)

 

This makes me upset. Bruce Campbell and I are going to start a revolutionary resistance for soiling one of my favorite movies of all time.

I’m going to pull back posting about movies, it is getting too depressing. Why must they remake everything under the sun? Why?

I read that the major studios were going to remake the top 10 highest grossing movies of all time. Nothing is sacred anymore.

Be Back Later, Busy Rioting

What the hell?

Moby Dick is being made into a science fiction movie? If I had an ounce of faith left in movie makers I might be semi-excited. Instead I’m about to flip some cars over and throw molotov cocktails. Seriously, Melville is rising from the grave to bring a literary zombie apocalypse upon us.

Not to mention an already horribly B-rated Moby Dick: 2010. Renée, we will always have Xena.

You can find the source here.

What the hell? x 2

Piece of advice, if Patrick Stewart did it, leave it alone. You won’t beat it.

Now look, you made him sad.

Godzilla!

So if you haven’t heard, Legendary is taking another crack at an American Godzilla. Here is the sculpture the movie makers are supposedly using as their model.

This is for several reasons:

a) Hollywood doesn’t have two original ideas to rub together to save celebs from all the plastic surgery they get to inflate an already ridiculous idea of ‘beauty’.

b) American Godzilla didn’t go over as intended, money wise. So having hopefully learned that deviating from already proven and working idea, Legendary pictures is going back and sticking (generally) to the original concept.

c) Godzilla is awesome.

I am not sure how I feel about this because I am a rather huge Godzilla fan. I was very upset with the last version and am very apprehensive about the 2014 release. The Japanese were insulted enough to add the American Godzilla to the last Japanese Godzilla movie called Final Wars in which ‘Zilla’ gets his ass handed to him quite pointedly.

Still, I have a kernel of hope after seeing the basic idea for Godzilla’s appearance.  Here is the sculpture the movie makers are supposedly using as their model.

What do you think?

Source

/Nerd Rage On – The Man of Steel Movie.

Well, I was looking forward to the new Superman movie. After the synopsis I have a very bad feeling.

“In the pantheon of superheroes, Superman is the most recognized and revered character of all time. Clark Kent/Kal-El (Cavill) is a young twentysomething journalist who feels alienated by powers beyond anyone’s imagination. Transported to Earth years ago from Krypton, an advanced alien planet, Clark struggles with the ultimate question – Why am I here? Shaped by the values of his adoptive parents Martha (Lane) and Jonathan Kent (Costner), Clark soon discovers that having super abilities means making very difficult decisions. But when the world needs stability the most, it comes under attack. Will his abilities be used to maintain peace or ultimately used to divide and conquer? Clark must become the hero known as “Superman,” not only to shine as the world’s last beacon of hope but to protect the ones he loves.”

That is right, we have ANOTHER origin story for Superman. Like the synopsis says, Superman is the most recognized and revered character of all time, so I think it is safe to assume most people interested in the movie already know his origin. How about we to some of the more interesting and established arcs in the Superman universe? Can we please?

I know what you are thinking. “But the last Superman movie wasn’t an origin story, it didn’t do that well.”

To which I would reply, “It had no action. Superman punched nothing. I want to see some super action, know what I’m saying?” Yeah the eyeball thing was cool, how about we rip some shit in half and make some villains soil their Aquaman undies? Is it too much to ask?

You know what would make an AMAZING Superman movie? Superman versus Doomsday, or Bizarro Superman. FFS, why the hell do we need ANOTHER origin story.

Superman vs Doomsday

Bizzaro

Oh I have super powers and I’m sad, Earth needs me to defend it but I don’t know how I fit in the world. BLAH BLAH BLAH/WAAH WAAH WAAH.

It is Superman, go punch some bad guys in the face. How can this equation get messed up? It is simple….

Here is what Topless Robot has to say about it:

Yes, ladies, and gentlemen, we’re getting Smallville: The Movie. Not content to just retell Superman’s origin for nth time, the whole fucking movie is apparently now his origin, as if 80% OF THE GODDAMN PLANET DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW WHAT HIS DEAL WAS. So we’ve gone from Superman as mopey, absentee dad to Superman as mopey, unsure boy trying to find his place in the world he doesn’t belong. Forget the fact that we’ve just had 10 fucking seasons of Smallville starring Superman as just that, why on god’s green earth won’t DC give us a Superman movie where Superman is… Superman? You know, a guy who will always do the right thing, will always try, without question or hesitation? A guy who feels he does belong on Earth, because it’s his fucking home, adopted or not?

I’m inclined to agree.

Nerd rage is on. Sweaty, heavy breathing nerd rage.