Tag Archives: WTF

Magic Mike

“It’s against the law to touch, but I see a lot of law breakers in here.”

That is easily the most ridiculous one-liner I’ve heard today.

With that said, this is how I imagine straight women will indulge themselves in the eye candy of chiseled abs and swinging man bits that is Magic Mike.

Roughly:

START OF MOVIE

  • Interest
  • Giggly interest
  • Super giggly interest
  • Schoolgirl giggly interest
  • Temperature rising interest
  • *Ab flash* Super interest
  • *More Ab flash* Super-duper interest
  • * Banana hammock square dancing* Swooning with unbearable interest
  • * Sweaty-naked Tatum and McConaughey fighting/wrestling* Ovaries explode with interest
  • *Abs flash* Interest
  • Giggly Interest
  • ….etc
  • Rinse and repeat until the end of the movie
  • Sleep

END OF MOVIE

This is probably how it would go for me.

START OF MOVIE

  • No interest, anger for being at movie.
  • No interest, some points for Buncha Crunch
  • No interest
  • Confusion
  • Slight interest
  • Growing Interest
  • *Ab flash*  Full on interest
  • *More Ab flash*  Large amount of invested interest
  • * Banana hammock square dancing* Sweating with unbearable interest
  • * Sweaty-naked Tatum and McConaughey fighting/wrestling* Very, very overwhelmed with interest
  • No interest
  • Shame
  • Hunger/need a sandwich
  • Sleep

END OF MOVIE 

Mind you that is just an estimate, I don’t claim to know anything about anything.

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How The F-?

This is a little game I am borrowing from two people; the eloquent fish of gold and the penmonkey Chuck Wendig.

Basically, I look over the search terms that people use to find my blog and write about it.

How can that go wrong?

frightened nude

…..Really?

I don’t remember using anything remotely close to this in any of my blogs or tags. Whatever, here we go.

Well, I see this going one of two ways; either somebody had their pants scared literally right off of them or they were already nude and became frightened. If the latter I assume it was a guy bent over the tub and accidentally looked at the mirror behind him, probably thought he was being attacked by a misshapen or badly deformed Wildebeest or something. If the former then I can only assume it was a Scooby-Do porn parody, I’m having a hard time making any sort of sense of something that would scare you nude. I guess if you were terrified of spiders and a nest hatched inside your pants that would be sufficient reason to get into the buff, but then you wonder about any spider explorers wandering into private areas, which we find ourselves bent over naked in front of a mirror again. What the hell is wrong with me?

nude grandmother

Next

I’m not making those up either. Look!

science, it works bitches

Yes, it does. I enjoy the modern conventions that our scientific community has bestowed upon us throughout the years. I enjoy Tang, video games, and the microwave to reheat leftover Pad Thai. I think calling everybody bitches is a bit unnecessary, but I applaud your enthusiasm, we should celebrate science more. The most amazing part of science is how we randomly come up with solutions to the worlds problems. Take a company researching a pill to help relax the heart, only to discover it barely does anything to the heart, but it helps grandpa knock over the knick-knacks grandma so artfully placed on the end table when grandpa turns his hips too fast.

 

funny grammatical errors

This one makes perfect sense. If you don’t get it just wonder around my blog a bit and it will make sense. There is some truth when I say I roll my face across the keyboard.

 

fashion mullet

I think this is the universe dividing by zero. Never have two opposing words been used together, these work together in the same way a brick doesn’t stay in the air. Then again, somebody made a ton of money from inventing vajazzling and pedazzling (google at your own risk), so I suppose anything is possible.

 

pictures of topless mermaids to colour in

I’m assuming by the u in colour that this is from across the pond, in which I ask why you are looking for topless mermaids to let your kids color? Then again this might be some perverted attempt at spicing up a marriage. If so I won’t judge, do what you have to do. I suggest a cup of ice, nine iron, duct tape, gummy bears,  and hungry hippos if you really want to get it going – you have to figure out how to use all that yourself, or google.

funny deathpool

What the hell is wrong with you? How dare you! It is Deadpool and if you can’t get that right I will take all your Internets away! ALL OF THEM!

 

ask the murlock

Whoever came up with Murlocks should be flogged, seriously. That damn garbled noise they make is about the most annoying sound I have ever heard. Then again it is always about context. We have this murlock sound:

and we have what would probably be the same if a dog stood in front of a sprinkler.

Which is hilarious.

 

things that make me laugh

I usually put stumble upon on humor and just go to town. Then again I can spend days looking at funny gifs. Here is my favorite gif. Mind you there is not a logical reason behind why I find it so damn funny.

 

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A Dark Knight Rises Trailer…….. sort of…….

Prepare to have your mind blown out of your ass. I’m not sure what the hell this is or why the hell it was made. In fact watching it hurt my head and I felt IQ points drain out of my nose. So being the stand up guy that I am, I’m going to share with you. Before watching you should prepare yourself

Items you need to watch this:

  1. Velcro Shoes
  2. A helmet
  3. A friend/family member to punch you in the face immediately after it has ended
  4. Duct Tape
  5. And possible a strong alcoholic beverage, preferably something that can be used in a tractor as fuel.
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Random Monday

Here is something from Japan, something for the whole family.

It is called the sperminator 3000.

I’m not sure what to blog about today.

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My Creative Process

Oh how I have long-awaited for this three-day weekend. Even though it won’t actually be three days, I will be working tomorrow for most of the day, I still have a BBQ filled Monday on my horizons and BBQ makes everything better. So while I rest from a day of work, lets talk about the creative process, well at least mine.

When I start to write a story, generally I have three hours of pain, suffering, and non-sense sentences that led nowhere. That or I stare at one word with the cursor blinking mockingly at me with a mountainousness heap of white and nothing behind it. Then the song I’m listening to starts over, for the hundredth time. Here is how it goes:

The monster…..

……..Half an hour later……

The monster was ugly and dangerous……

…….Half an hour later……

The monster was ugly and dangerous.

A low growl rumbled from the brush. Adam had no idea what was underneath the bushes, but it sounded dangerous.

…….An hour later……

A rancid stench plagued Adam’s nose, it was the smell of death and rotten meat. Adam slowed his pace and looked around, somewhere in the brush a low growl filtered into the air. Without thinking he turned and ran the way he came.

…….Half an hour later……

A rancid stench plagued Adam’s nose, it was the smell of death and rotten meat. Adam slowed his pace and looked around, somewhere in the brush a low growl filtered into the air. Without thinking he turned and ran the way he came.

Adam’s heart pounded, his throat was tight. He knew it was somewhere around the camp but the fading sun and rising darkness blurred his vision, it was close, really close. Hisses and growls seeped from the extending shadows, once behind and then to the left of Adam. The smell of rotten meat and death was everywhere. Adam was poised and ready to sprint, he was waiting for the signal before he started running.

……….Half an hour later……….

She walked in the door and his life was never the same. Her hips rocked side to side in a hypnotic rhythm that made everything primal in Mark’s head scream. Her full lips sent strange sensations down his spine, without realizing he was walking towards her. She turned towards him and their eyes met, in that moment Mark became lost in her blue eyes. She seemed to pierce down into his soul, straight to the core of his being.

And then I just keep going.

Seriously, that is exactly how it is for me. How does your process go?

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A Contest!

Who wants to try something different? Lets have a contest. Located below are three pictures. Your job is to construct a paragraph that is the summary description of a novel around the three pictures below. I haven’t decided what the prize will be. I’ll work on that, till then get cracking! You have till next Sunday, 5/21/11.

HINT: It has to make me laugh.

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