Swamp Ass Becomes Flash Flood Ass

Yeap, that is some bullshit. This is the magical temperature where your ass starts leaking all bodily fluids.

Magic Mike

“It’s against the law to touch, but I see a lot of law breakers in here.”

That is easily the most ridiculous one-liner I’ve heard today.

With that said, this is how I imagine straight women will indulge themselves in the eye candy of chiseled abs and swinging man bits that is Magic Mike.

Roughly:

START OF MOVIE

• Interest
• Giggly interest
• Super giggly interest
• Schoolgirl giggly interest
• Temperature rising interest
• *Ab flash* Super interest
• *More Ab flash* Super-duper interest
• * Banana hammock square dancing* Swooning with unbearable interest
• * Sweaty-naked Tatum and McConaughey fighting/wrestling* Ovaries explode with interest
• *Abs flash* Interest
• Giggly Interest
• ….etc
• Rinse and repeat until the end of the movie
• Sleep

END OF MOVIE

This is probably how it would go for me.

START OF MOVIE

• No interest, anger for being at movie.
• No interest, some points for Buncha Crunch
• No interest
• Confusion
• Slight interest
• Growing Interest
• *Ab flash*  Full on interest
• *More Ab flash*  Large amount of invested interest
• * Banana hammock square dancing* Sweating with unbearable interest
• * Sweaty-naked Tatum and McConaughey fighting/wrestling* Very, very overwhelmed with interest
• No interest
• Shame
• Hunger/need a sandwich
• Sleep

END OF MOVIE 

Mind you that is just an estimate, I don’t claim to know anything about anything.

Evil Dead 2 With Style

This is the Evil Dead 2 trailer, it has been all rotoscoped like.

I’m posting this not only because I’m a huge Evil Dead and Bruce Campbell fan, but because I think this just looks freaking sweet.

What do you think?

Source

Rage Comic Friday

I think everybody is guilty on this one.

 

How the F-?

I’ll keep doing this as long as the search terms people use to find my site are interesting. This might turn out to be my favorite blog game.

Lets get started!

cthulu

Cthulu is a giant winged god with an octopus head, a million times more evil than weird looking, H.P. Lovecraft is probably most known for. I think this cult icon is the real reason behind the tentacle fetishes in certain parts of the world. We would like to believe it is something as innocent as perversion, but I bet it is far more nefarious. Don’t believe me? Here is a picture of Cthulu posing all sexy like, note how the wave is splashing on him; covering his nethers because it is too much sexy for some people – that or his bits are so damned tentacled and unnerving the author decided to have mercy. Comes down to personal preference really. In all seriousness, go read The Call of Cthulu.

freud comic

Well this one actually makes sense. I posted a comic on this earlier before, it is called The New Adventures of Sigmund Freud. The general premise behind it is that Freud was frozen for years and thawed out to bring freedom to the world. I have no idea who made it. I tried googling it and didn’t find the author’s website. So go google it if you want to read more. The idea of a Freud running around like Captain America using psychoanalysis to free the shit out of some people is quite frankly hilarious.

*Observation* Apparently he got his nipple pierced.

man staring at nothing

STOP LOOKING THROUGH MY WINDOW!

spider on your ass

Again, this could be taken several ways. If you are in prison; you either have a seriously problem or you are looking to entice someone with your goods, of which I have no idea how to help. If you aren’t in prison and in fact a spider is on your ass, I have no idea how to help. Good luck living the rest of your life out as a statue. I don’t know what kind of species of spider is proving its dominance over you, but I imagine it is something like this.

cosby sweater

This just won’t die. I will not post or explain what this is, go google it if you really want to know. If you look it up, I bet you will never look at fruit loops the same.

mullet with power bars

This sounds like a great name for a band. Imagine hearing that in concert.

“After Sonic Death Monkey, Mullet With Power Bars is going to melt your face off!”

I’m probably late to the party. Some metal band is likely already named that. Actually if the Trailer Park Boys started a band, I’m 100% sure that is what they would call themselves. I imagine Mullet With Power Bars playing a sweet guitar solo during a video game boss fight in a barber shop where the barber must battle a power mullet straight out of 80s Mississippi. Again, I’m probably late to that and is on the DS…… I think Wario World has something like that actually.

Just Add Moustache

Need to make a movie better? Just add Tom Selleck’s legendary moustache. It takes a bad movie and makes it good, takes a good movie and makes it great, takes a great movie and alters the scales of awesome.

 

Rage Comic Friday

Well, in an effort to post more I have decided that Tuesdays are How The F-? Tuesdays, in which I post the messed up search teams people find my blog with, and Friday is Rage Comic Friday. Sometimes I will make my own and other times I will find them randomly. I found this one at ragebuilder.com.

So this is one that I fall into every time Wal-Mart is mentioned. One does not simply walk into Wal-Mart for one thing…..

 

Worst Science Fiction Movie Ever

Over at io9 the folks are doing a March Madness bracket on the worst science fiction movies ever. I suggest you head on over to io9 and put your vote in. Some movies are so amazingly pinned together that it is hard to measure how much they sucked because the movie titles are measurements of suck themselves.

Example.

Waterworld v Batman and Robin

How do you pick between those two?  I would reason that Batman and Robin was 3 Waterworlds. Then again I could argue that Waterworld was 3 Batman and Robin. I guess there is a 1:1 ratio there so the pairing makes sense.

I picked Batman and Robin because of the Bat-nipples.

 

GO HERE AND VOTE!!!

 

 

How The F-?

This is a little game I am borrowing from two people; the eloquent fish of gold and the penmonkey Chuck Wendig.

Basically, I look over the search terms that people use to find my blog and write about it.

How can that go wrong?

frightened nude

…..Really?

I don’t remember using anything remotely close to this in any of my blogs or tags. Whatever, here we go.

Well, I see this going one of two ways; either somebody had their pants scared literally right off of them or they were already nude and became frightened. If the latter I assume it was a guy bent over the tub and accidentally looked at the mirror behind him, probably thought he was being attacked by a misshapen or badly deformed Wildebeest or something. If the former then I can only assume it was a Scooby-Do porn parody, I’m having a hard time making any sort of sense of something that would scare you nude. I guess if you were terrified of spiders and a nest hatched inside your pants that would be sufficient reason to get into the buff, but then you wonder about any spider explorers wandering into private areas, which we find ourselves bent over naked in front of a mirror again. What the hell is wrong with me?

nude grandmother

Next

I’m not making those up either. Look!

science, it works bitches

Yes, it does. I enjoy the modern conventions that our scientific community has bestowed upon us throughout the years. I enjoy Tang, video games, and the microwave to reheat leftover Pad Thai. I think calling everybody bitches is a bit unnecessary, but I applaud your enthusiasm, we should celebrate science more. The most amazing part of science is how we randomly come up with solutions to the worlds problems. Take a company researching a pill to help relax the heart, only to discover it barely does anything to the heart, but it helps grandpa knock over the knick-knacks grandma so artfully placed on the end table when grandpa turns his hips too fast.

 

funny grammatical errors

This one makes perfect sense. If you don’t get it just wonder around my blog a bit and it will make sense. There is some truth when I say I roll my face across the keyboard.

 

fashion mullet

I think this is the universe dividing by zero. Never have two opposing words been used together, these work together in the same way a brick doesn’t stay in the air. Then again, somebody made a ton of money from inventing vajazzling and pedazzling (google at your own risk), so I suppose anything is possible.

 

pictures of topless mermaids to colour in

I’m assuming by the u in colour that this is from across the pond, in which I ask why you are looking for topless mermaids to let your kids color? Then again this might be some perverted attempt at spicing up a marriage. If so I won’t judge, do what you have to do. I suggest a cup of ice, nine iron, duct tape, gummy bears,  and hungry hippos if you really want to get it going – you have to figure out how to use all that yourself, or google.

funny deathpool

What the hell is wrong with you? How dare you! It is Deadpool and if you can’t get that right I will take all your Internets away! ALL OF THEM!

 

ask the murlock

Whoever came up with Murlocks should be flogged, seriously. That damn garbled noise they make is about the most annoying sound I have ever heard. Then again it is always about context. We have this murlock sound:

and we have what would probably be the same if a dog stood in front of a sprinkler.

Which is hilarious.

 

things that make me laugh

I usually put stumble upon on humor and just go to town. Then again I can spend days looking at funny gifs. Here is my favorite gif. Mind you there is not a logical reason behind why I find it so damn funny.

 

Being Manly

So while I have been sick my fiancée has been ridiculing me nonstop, basically saying i’m a huge baby. Apparently I whine and ask for unreasonable things. I, of course, say other wise. I think asking for cold ice water and not to have to run a million errands while i’m sick is reasonable, but thankfully there is somebody in my life to tell me I am wrong.

The first night that my flu/strep throat/sinus infection c-c-c-c-combo breaker set in I was laying in bed coughing parts of my insides out. I was talking to her about the things going on with my body and I casually mentioned that I am worried I might be getting pneumonia, mostly due to how hard it was for me to breathe and the fact that a few people in the office are out with it. That was me being a huge baby and extreme, there was no possible way I was that sick. While I think this is all in good jest, some part of my male pride was severely offended and I started to roll over the manly things that I have done in my life.

So here is part of the list.

• helped build a house.
• hunted an animal, cooked it at a campfire, and brought the pelt/antlers back as evidence.
• been shot
• broken bones fighting
• been electrocuted
• mastered the art of a firm handshake
• passed kidney stones
• put chili on my ice cream

I have done a little research about the things that entail general manliness and have come to the conclusion there are other things I can do that will implicitly enforce my masculinity and never bring it into question next time I am sick.

1) Shave my face with something only men in the remotest regions of Russia use

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Imitate and uphold the holy trinity of manliness; Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and Steve McQueen

3) Get a prostate exam and never complain, cry, or twitch

4) Become a lumberjack

5) Wrestle bears like Teddy Roosevelt

 

6) Be Zakk Wylde – seriously Ozzy Osborne told this guy to tone down the drinking, think about that

7) Grow a handle bar moustache

8) Toss kegs really far

9) Put more spice on my ice cream

10) Help elderly women more

 

Runner up was being able to play a sweet drum solo. I just wanted to keep it at 10 things. Wasn’t too sure about this guy, he either is insanely manly or a few sandwiches short of a picnic. He puts on a bulletproof vest then shoots himself in the chest to see how well it works.

 

 

How about you, do you have anything manly to add to the list?