Category Archives: I’m Frank

2 Months, 1 post

So it has been awhile. How are you all doing? Hope things are good. Anything of any particular note to talk about? Throw it in the comments and pretend we are talking about it here.

So, on to the post. A few things have happened in the two months I have been gone. For one, I am now a married man. I’m still trying to bridge the mental gap of saying wife and not girlfriend/fiancé. It is jarring to pass milestones in your life, cruising through life’s goalposts leaves a numbing sensation until I am miles from it and can appreciate it. Basically It felt like years building up to it, then it was over in a blur.

The honeymoon was awesome, Mexico was an amazing time with the beautiful weather and magnificently high-tided ocean. I absolutely love the food down there, the tuna steaks are surreal. Tried an Argentinian Steakhouse and I honestly have to say that is the best meal I have ever had in my life. The streak had to have been flavored with ground up Unicorns and pixie dust, I have never had a flavor profile like that before. The steak was so tender I only used my fork. If there was one around here I would be addicted end up selling blood to pay for my new addiction.

By the way, Mexican food in America =/= real Mexican food, at least around Ixtapa. Everything has black beans in it, so the weight loss inducing result of drinking the water isn’t a worry. Just eat some food and pack the fiber in and you are untouchable. We didn’t really have any problems down there. It was peaceful and calm. My wife slept for seventeen hours straight after we got there. Needless to say we relaxed and just enjoyed ourselves.

A few small things happened when we got back. We went to Best Buy to get a new DVD rack and ended up buying way more. I also got a 55′ Samsung LED TV, a Samsung Series 7 laptop, and a new entertainment center. Believe it or not it wasn’t my idea, it was my wife’s. So yeah, I married the right person. I love my new toys. Both the TV and laptop have made it easier for the new projects I have started. More on that at a later date.

So, man, politics. The Republican primary race was super entertaining, I was sad to see Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain drop out. No I wouldn’t vote for them but anytime they opened their mouth it was solid comedy gold. Alas though It seems we have set the crazy aside to get back to the same old boring finger-pointing issues. You know, where both parties more or less do and say/do the same things but act like it is different. I really don’t care what anybody says, in the long game there isn’t much different between either camp; we’re in and/or heading into some serious issues for our country and the people at he wheel really make it seem like their IQ is comparable to a moldy loaf of bread in my kitchen.

Speaking of difficult, I have basically disowned parts of my family. Some members were pretty shitty through the entire wedding process and even now are causing a lot of unnecessary problems. I have tried talking and coming to some sort of understanding, but it became very clear the past few months that communication wasn’t going anywhere. It just really isn’t worth the constant fighting and negativity. I was worried it was the wrong decision but now that I am on the other side it feels like a weight is gone and I can breathe. I’m guessing that is a good thing.

I haven’t been writing and that bothers me. There are a few reasonably important odd jobs I need to finish up before  I can devote my time to the word mines again. Finish off some debts and be that much more financial free. As I make that dream into a reality, let me tell you it is nice being able to pay for things on the spot. I have some student loans left then I am pretty well free. Such a weird feeling. I made a plan for myself in life and with some hard-work and hopeful foresight things are coming together.

For the past two months I have basically been taking it easy, spending time with the wife, and working to complete a few of my other goals. Now that I am on the ass-end of that stretch, time to return to writing and all the starry-eyed dreams that come with it. I have a mountain of inspiration built up and my creative juices are probably going to be pretty pulpy.

Cheers.

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Married and What Not

As you are reading this, I’m now married. That is right I’m now married. Currently I’m in a penguin suit and probably dancing like I messed my pants. Don’t judge me, tuxedos are hard to get off. When you think about it, all dancing looks like you just…..

Sorry.

I’m at the reception having a good time. Wish you could be here but I know you couldn’t make it, so I’ll have a few drinks for you, in fact my guests will too. I’m pretty sure everybody is having a good time. Open bars and having a good time go together like bug zappers and the really big moths that pop when they get electrocuted.

After the night’s drunken festivities and some sleep, I’ll be on my way out of the country for a little while.

You know, beaches and margaritas. I like to think I’ll meet a dolphin and name him Sir Fuego . We’ll go around with my newly married super powers stopping Nazi zombies to groovy Scooby-Do inspired 60s music. I need to find out if they have giant hamster balls where I’m staying.

So while you are working and slaving away at whatever it is you do for the next two weeks, I’ll be relaxing or saving the world.

Hope all is well and I hope you are still slaving away in the word mines.

I have to go now, got to do husband things. My honey-do list mysteriously grew three-fold the when I said I do. I hope they have a Home Depot in Mexico, I’m sure I’ll be fixing something in the condo.

Take care, I’ll be back in a little while.

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How The F-?

This is a little game I am borrowing from two people; the eloquent fish of gold and the penmonkey Chuck Wendig.

Basically, I look over the search terms that people use to find my blog and write about it.

How can that go wrong?

frightened nude

…..Really?

I don’t remember using anything remotely close to this in any of my blogs or tags. Whatever, here we go.

Well, I see this going one of two ways; either somebody had their pants scared literally right off of them or they were already nude and became frightened. If the latter I assume it was a guy bent over the tub and accidentally looked at the mirror behind him, probably thought he was being attacked by a misshapen or badly deformed Wildebeest or something. If the former then I can only assume it was a Scooby-Do porn parody, I’m having a hard time making any sort of sense of something that would scare you nude. I guess if you were terrified of spiders and a nest hatched inside your pants that would be sufficient reason to get into the buff, but then you wonder about any spider explorers wandering into private areas, which we find ourselves bent over naked in front of a mirror again. What the hell is wrong with me?

nude grandmother

Next

I’m not making those up either. Look!

science, it works bitches

Yes, it does. I enjoy the modern conventions that our scientific community has bestowed upon us throughout the years. I enjoy Tang, video games, and the microwave to reheat leftover Pad Thai. I think calling everybody bitches is a bit unnecessary, but I applaud your enthusiasm, we should celebrate science more. The most amazing part of science is how we randomly come up with solutions to the worlds problems. Take a company researching a pill to help relax the heart, only to discover it barely does anything to the heart, but it helps grandpa knock over the knick-knacks grandma so artfully placed on the end table when grandpa turns his hips too fast.

 

funny grammatical errors

This one makes perfect sense. If you don’t get it just wonder around my blog a bit and it will make sense. There is some truth when I say I roll my face across the keyboard.

 

fashion mullet

I think this is the universe dividing by zero. Never have two opposing words been used together, these work together in the same way a brick doesn’t stay in the air. Then again, somebody made a ton of money from inventing vajazzling and pedazzling (google at your own risk), so I suppose anything is possible.

 

pictures of topless mermaids to colour in

I’m assuming by the u in colour that this is from across the pond, in which I ask why you are looking for topless mermaids to let your kids color? Then again this might be some perverted attempt at spicing up a marriage. If so I won’t judge, do what you have to do. I suggest a cup of ice, nine iron, duct tape, gummy bears,  and hungry hippos if you really want to get it going – you have to figure out how to use all that yourself, or google.

funny deathpool

What the hell is wrong with you? How dare you! It is Deadpool and if you can’t get that right I will take all your Internets away! ALL OF THEM!

 

ask the murlock

Whoever came up with Murlocks should be flogged, seriously. That damn garbled noise they make is about the most annoying sound I have ever heard. Then again it is always about context. We have this murlock sound:

and we have what would probably be the same if a dog stood in front of a sprinkler.

Which is hilarious.

 

things that make me laugh

I usually put stumble upon on humor and just go to town. Then again I can spend days looking at funny gifs. Here is my favorite gif. Mind you there is not a logical reason behind why I find it so damn funny.

 

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Hi

It has certainly been a minute since I made a post, sorry about that. Life got busy, I mean really busy. I won’t go into details but I’ll just hit the highlights.

A few deaths in my in-laws family, some car accidents, step-dad’s kidney dialysis problems getting worse, serious threats on my friend’s life, and I’ve been sick and not getting better.

I guess that is what I get for having two solid weeks of pure blissful boredom.

Well aside from some stress factors kicking in, it hasn’t all been depressing. There has been some good news, really good news. My fiancée got a job that is a game changer in our lives. When we got the news she got this job I felt like this huge massive weight was taken off my shoulders and instantly wanted to curl up and sleep. I’ve also been keeping up with my writing and staying consistent with word counts on a daily basis – well mostly true. I have also been keeping up with reading and have been putting books down left and right.

So it has been interesting. Now that things are quieting down I will start posting regularly again. I still have some writing related news forthcoming. I’d write more but I am about to take some NyQuil and pass out.

Good night.

P.S.

My better half is obsessed with my strange addiction. I am currently watching a guy who has objectophilia with his car. Google it, I dare you.

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Must & Cannot

I’ve been reading Writing to Sell and I have learned a few things. The lesson that I found to be the most telling is a simple plot skeleton that revolves around two basic elements; must and cannot. The lack of one or both of these can really hinder your story.

Scott Meredith says one of the most basic mistakes every new writer makes when trying to write a salable manuscript is forgetting the basic driving force behind every story. This would be the problem that the lead character MUST deal with, something extremely urgent and pressing. This would be something in the ballpark of a bad guy taking a character’s family and holding them for ransom or internal like an alcoholic overcoming his addiction before his wife leaves with the kids. Scott says this necessary for making the reader worry about your character’s outcome, helping them invest into your book. If the MUST is mundane or easily solvable, it won’t really capture an audience and a publisher won’t buy it.

The other element is CANNOT. This is the part of the problem where it seems as if the character CANNOT solve the problem. Going along with the earlier examples; the character can’t pay the ransom because he just lost his house and all his possessions to a tornado, and the alcoholic is having problems pushing through his addiction because he just lost his job and found out his son has a terminal illness. This is where the assault on the character prevents them from accomplishing their goals, starting from minor complications and cranking it up to where it just seems like we are in a moment of darkness.

Don’t go over board though, if you create an unsolvable problem just to make some ridiculous solution, you lose the reader. If you don’t have a logical solution or don’t explore and exhaust possible alternatives to your problem, you will lose the reader. Like the man lost his house and possessions but still owns a BMW, of which he won’t sell to get his family back. You will lose the reader, so be logical about your problems and solutions.

I posted about this because after I read the five chapters on plot skeletons, I went through some of my stories and wasn’t totally surprised at what I found. The early stories I wrote definitely lack a solid must and cannot, which Mr. Meredith simply calls incidents. What I mean by early are the stories that I haven’t edited very much. The stories I have edited heavily (including my manuscript) have these elements in them which sort of amazed me. I wonder if the countless editing and revising until I felt it was rounded is what did it, or I just stumbled into it.

I’ve been writing for a while now, more or less just taking the chaos from my head and putting it words, learning empirically as I go about what works and what doesn’t. I have some stories that I am damn proud of and others that smell really, really bad. I have posted some of both, which I suppose I should be embarrassed about the stinkers but I want to learn and sometimes the best avenue is through the blog.

Now that I am making submissions to agencies and magazines I really want to see growth in my writing and do what I need to do to make my work salable. I know to write, is to write is to write, but while I’m writing I am examining the work through the eyes of a professional. There are tons of information and books out there and it is hard knowing what is valuable and what isn’t, but you don’t know unless you try.

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My Rage Comic

Got bored, decided to make a rage comic. Actually I’ve made a few now, but I will show you this one.

You can make your very own over at the Rage Comic Builder

 

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Colbert 2012

So if you haven’t heard, Stephen Colbert is running for president in South Carolina, you know his home state. He tried a few years ago and was removed by the South Carolina Democratic Party executive council. So like any good little Southerner, he won’t be told what to do. Colbert is going to take on the system, with the system.

His super-PAC, which in no way communicates with him, is running a series of ads in South Carolina by owner John Stewart that offers some very funny rifts on our already troubled and out of touch Republican candidates while actually making some valid points.

Here is one about Mitt Romney.

Basically in Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad, 118 U.S. 394 (1886), the Supreme Court recognized corporations for the purpose utilizing the Fourteenth Amendment which gives a wide definition of what citizenship is, gives Due Process to all of a state’s citizens, and Equal Protection under a state to all of its citizens.

Now, with those rights it gives some basic freedoms to Corporations to help protect themselves (like you and I have) and simplify tax laws. That is all fine and dandy.

Where the problem begins is that is also allows Corporations to make donations to political parties.

Take that and couple it with the ruling of United Citizens v. Federal Election Committee in 2010, basically saying that money equals free speech. Corporations and Unions don’t have a limit on independent spending in politics.

Ask yourself a question, what is it that politicians live and die for?

The answer is being elected.

The second a Senator gets elected, he immediately starts to figure out how he can be re-elected. He isn’t alone in this, all politicians have this gene. politicians love getting elected almost as much as anybody else in the world loves money.

So, how does this happen? Well he/she raises money to travel around and tell people how awesome he/she is. The more he/she advertises explains his/her greatness, the more likely people will vote. (generally). Traveling around, making posters, paying people to organize things, creating TV ads, making websites, and all that costs money. In fact it costs a lot of money. Where does it come from?

Say, how likely are you to donate to a politician? Well corporations donate a lot of money to politicians, they lobby them to make decisions in their favor. Politician gets money to get elected, the corporation gets backing for something they want/need. I’m oversimplifying that process a little, but that is basically how it works.

Everybody wins, except the American people, and democracy insures that we will only be governed as well as we deserve.

Lobbying itself isn’t inherently evil, the donating money to the politicians is what hurts everybody. The law process in our country starts to shift (and has in some areas) a tug of war game between big corporations where the American people are caught in the middle.

COUGH – SOPA- COUGH. Media v Tech.

So cue the current Colbert super-PAC ad. Romney said that corporations are people. Romney also used to dismantle business and sell what he could. So if corporations are people, and Romney dismantled business and sold what he could….. he is then a serial killer?

If Corporations are people, why hasn’t one ever been executed and why when a corporation is brought to court is it not judged by other corporations?

It’s a joke of course, but he raises a good point. Which is basically in a nut shell what Colbert is trying to do in the big picture. He is not actually trying to run for President of the United States, he is just trying to show the idiocy that is our current system.

It amuses me when news channels blast Colbert for missing his deadline to register for the ballot, like he didn’t know that? Him and his army of writers and political aficionados aren’t likely to look over that detail, just saying.

Now before you dismiss what he is doing as nonsense, tomfoolery, and/or mockery of our voting system, I urge you to look at a few things.

  • He explained in layman what a super-PAC is, how it works, and what is used for.
  • He is showing that as long as you have money, you have all the free speech you want.
  • He is showing just how shady and squirrely the laws have become for our elected officials.
  • He is proving how synonymous politician and entertainer have become during election time.

Elections are less and less about actual policy and law and more about entertaining the people with non-sense and things a President has no control over rather than addressing difficult issues.

Whether you agree or not with a person’s decision, is it the place of the government to tell somebody who they can and can’t marry? I guess it isn’t that surprising considering it wasn’t that long ago various groups of our nation didn’t have rights, we seem to still be stuck in some backwards mentality.

See I probably just hit a button. Now watch when a politician is being asked a question that is best left unanswered, watch how quickly they jump to a social hot button and avoid tough questions. No single party is innocent of this tactic either, oh no. In fact there are no innocent parties in politics. Everybody is guilty of something. I just happen to believe that right now the conservative side is showing just how weak it is.

No, I didn’t vote for Obama. But I will with the crowd we have now. We have Newt complaining about how Romney came into money by the very laws that Newt helped pass. We have people not voting for Romney even though he is the poster child for fiscal conservatives. We have people who think Freedom of Religion means every religion but Judeo-Christian. We have another guy who, although he is honest and sticks to his guns – I really, really do admire that, is kind of crazy. Then again maybe we need crazy?

Anyway, just because I don’t agree with the conservative doesn’t make me a liberal. In fact I’m a moderate. I believe we need balance between states and federal government and I believe Republican and Democrats have valid points on some issues and believe they are idiots on others.

This “my party or the enemy” mentality needs to go, the my way or the highway approach isn’t working. We need better discussion and open dialog. I think that Colbert/Stewart are the only ones trying to level the field, trying to bring things around from out of touch politicians stuck in their ways and expose the loop-holes in our system.

If you comment, be nice.

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Dubstep & Writing

Between going in and out of meetings  and being harassed by people in different departments from stupid to insanely hard questions, I have basically given up hope to listen to audiobooks at work. This was once one of my favorite ways to pass time at my job. Listen to the book and just work, enjoy the fruits of my imagination painting a picture. Sounds simple right?

No.

I have started leaving my iPod at home and canceled my audible subscription. If I’m not in a meeting or talking to somebody about something, I eventually run through my work load and start hitting bumps. These bumps are in part what I’m paid for, which demand my entire attention and sometimes can cause me to start bleeding out of the ears because the problem I am faced with is the software equivalent of putting makeup on a bull, mid bull ride. These are daily exercises in building character.

I  just found out I have been inadvertently doing linear algebra in my head. Kind of shocked me because I am very bad at math (not like I don’t get it, more like I have to work five times harder to than normal people to understand what they consider simple concepts).  I never thought I would ever learn/utilize this level of math in my life. But the way that the tech world works, things change and you better adapt. So take that and multiply by two because I have started a new project at work, good-bye ability to enjoy audiobooks at work.

This has left a gap in my awareness. I can’t just sit and not have anything to listen to. I have listened to the music I own and digested it so much that I spend more time skipping songs than I do actually listening to one. I’ll pick one, listen to it, skip for about three or four hundred songs, listen to another, rinse and repeat. So I am over my music collection and this has left a gap in my attention span, I somehow feel mentally naked without something to process in the background. It is a very odd feeling.

I can’t just NOT listen to something, that would mean listening to gossip and the guy behind me and his extremely personal hourly phone calls. I can only hear about Crohn’s Disease in detail for so long. So, with my lull in music, I have decided to fully embrace dubstep.

 

Yeah, I know.

For the past few days I have submerged myself into this very, very odd and sporadic music genre. Imagine catching a fish then getting it drunk and electrocuting it, then imagine putting it in a giant fish tank where a dinosaur with a laser attached to its snout constantly tries to snap at the fish through the glass. Now imagine being that fish.

That is what listening to dubstep feels like.

I’m not even remotely exaggerating.

The moral of all that? Dubstep is very hit or miss for me, but the songs and bands I have discovered are exactly what I need to fill the space in my head while I try to work; just enough to ignore, but awesome enough that I can enjoy it while working.

I fear what would happen if I listened to dubstep while I wrote. If it was remotely coherent it would probably read like a lab rat’s drug induced wet dream, just imagine Muppets with human eyes.

As for writing, I haven’t been doing a ton of it, but I have been consistent. I just finished another story and that makes me very excited and happy. I’m already two stories completed into 2012, which makes me feel very accomplished. Even though I had started both of them in 2011, I’m just going to ride this wave of productivity and say I have kicked ass.

I have several different stories submitted out in the world, some a second phase of feedback and others in that WHY HAVEN’T THEY EMAILED ME BACK YET stage of post-submission anxiety. I swear I won’t allow myself to get it, but it happens…….every time.

Other than that, life is good. Wish school loans would go die in a car fire. I could blog four years on how a 13% interest rate on school loans can really be a turd in your cereal.

I follow politics fairly close and have wondered if I should chime in with a blog or two. Some interesting things are going on within the Republican field. Not to mention all the shenanigans that Stephen Colbert and John Stewart are doing.

Few other posts to make but are super secret still. I will publish them when I can.

Back to the word mines!

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Stand By..

I’m here, I’m alive.

I’ve been attacked by ferrets, beating them to death by using one of their kind as a bat of furry fury and manliness.

Actually…

I just took a little time off, relaxing and spending some time down the rabbit hole (my imagination you perverts…).

So after not checking my email and my friend’s blogs for nearly 3 weeks, I have close to 250 emails about posts and comments to go through. So if I don’t comment or check your post, don’t be offended – i’m just catching up.

As for posts forth coming, I have some news about writing that I’d like to share when I know I can get away with it.

I also want to reblog the short story I posted a little while ago, I tweaked it after Danielle’s feedback. Lets see how that goes.

So what did I do? Spent most of Christmas vacation in the emergency room and taking care of my fiancée with a football injury. I had to pain-killer sit, that was fun. She didn’t really have a football injury, but apparently it was painful. All is well now.

So here is some zen.

Check it out, somebody made submarines for hamsters. No seriously…. check it out. Apparently my ability to make hyperlinks is borked (technical term), so go here: http://www.obviouswinner.com/obvwin/2012/1/2/hamster-powered-soda-bottle-submarine.html

 

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On A Lighter Note….

Since my last post was a little solemn, I will give you epic hilarity to counteract any ailments you might have procured for any reason today.

The Skinny: Construction workers try to stop an out of control concrete buffer – the commentary is what makes it pure gold.

Enjoy.

 

 

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