Mullets

Mullets, we have all seen the business/party combo before. Have you ever taken the time to wonder about the different styles and trends? I know I have! So while I sit in my sleep study with a lack of anything overly interesting to do until I get wired up like a Japanese tentacle monster, take a journey with me through the fuzzy thatched hair follicles known as mullet culture. We will travel through the 80’s hair sensations then take a left turn at Albuquerque and head directly into the south.

The Mississippi Mudflap

1. Mississippi Mudflap. It is missing the Yosemite Sam and the curvy female outline found commonly on the classic Mississippi pickup truck mudflap, but the general shape and purpose is the same. Originated by Civil War veteran Phillip Strickland during Sherman’s campaign to burn everything in his wake as he stormed through Mississippi, Strickland was immensely jealous of Ambrose Burnsides and his epic sideburns. The legend that was building behind General Burnside’s luscious cheek whiskers set Strickland to conceive of a plan to foil his Union counterpart’s hairy glory. The crowning (see what i did there?) achievement of Strickland’s efforts were forever dubbed the Mississippi Mudflap after a drunken bar fight with a pitchfork, ice block, and a feinting goat in which his hair was unknowingly ripped into the fashionable mullet.

2. West Virginia Waterfall. This furry thatch of American nostalgia was commonly seen on celebrities in the decade where parachute pants were the fashion. It is called so because the hair flows over the shoulders like cascading H2O from, you guessed it, a waterfall. Popular supporters and promoters of this mullet were MacGuyver, John Stamos, Billy Ray Cyrus, and the man himself Chuck Norris. These guys, among others, really set the bar for mullet culture. They brought the hairstyle to the forefront and forever changed popular culture. Kudos to these men and their pioneering endeavors to bring such ferocious awesomeness to the people of the world. This mullet is named so because West Virgina holds the largest amount of waterfall mullet styles.

3. Rasta Mullet. Most commonly worn by hippie culture or a Caribbean religion misunderstood by white men everywhere, this mullet reinforces the business in front but alters the type of party in the back from beer drinking shenanigans to sticky zip-locked bag goodness. Be wary when around a wearer of the Rasta Mullet, the only thing the smells worse than the green indulgences of 30 minutes of smoky schoolgirl giddiness are the dreadlocks themselves. Unless the owner of the stringy rope bridge mullet has a gnome to tie a garbage bag around their hair, the Rasta Mullet cannot be washed. Yes, that smell of burnt wood and cat food isn’t the stuff they tie to a stick to smoke, it is the hair. Ewww…

The Shaved Walrus

4. Shaved Walrus. This is a common place mullet as a result of teenager angst. It varies from person to person, but the rear mustache style hair in the back is a clear indicator of the style. The start of this craze is unknown but believed to have begun in the early nineties and grown into many cultures and backgrounds. Recent reports have revealed that this elusive mullet can be seen at Bonnaroo and other large concert gatherings.

5. The Super Mullet. Everybody needs a hero, this mullet is the idol of other little mullets. Younger not fully developed mullets aspire to reach fully feathered richness of the Super Mullet. When looking at a Super Mullet wearer one can’t help but stare in awe of the sheer awesomeness that has been achieved. Two clear things can be clearly derived from such high stature, the owner drinks copious amounts of Pat’s Blue Ribbon and loves Dale Earnhardt Jr. In fact the number three is probably tattoo somewhere pasty and flesh-colored.

6. Jheri Curl (The Long One). Just let your souulllll glooooo! Call it whatever you will, it is just a curly mullet. This exploded on the scene when Micheal Jackson first dawned the shiny glossy hair style. Founded by a guy named Jheri Redding who went on to invent modern conditioners by making them pH balanced and adding fruit. This is another mullet that was popular during the 80s but has since slowly died off, and I means slowly. It is still around, if you look hard.

7. The Captain Planet. He is a hero, with a mullet. His mullet has its own category. It is green, flat top, and probably saved some African pygmy goats in some episode. It is theorized that his mullet is the actual source of all his powers, thus making the undying mullet culture part of some secret order to protect the world. It begins to make sense…….
All mullets are one of the categories or a mixture.
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3 thoughts on “Mullets

  1. Oh sweet Jesus – I laughed so hard I snorted water out of my nose. Thanks so much!

  2. Alaric Rays says:

    Oddly enough, with all this man-scaping going on now-a-days there is indeed another type of mullet. The pubic mullet. It is when you shave your shaft but let your ball hair grow really long. Silly really, nothing quite like the feeling of a freshly shorn scrotum

  3. Frank Bishop says:

    I was going to add Rat Tail to the layout, but I found that Rat Tail’s have their own sub-culture.

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