Sex in Space, let the 62 mile high club dream go

Perhaps the casual science fiction reader, Star Trek fan, Clerks 2 watcher wonders how awesome it would be to travel in space, meet a female (not human specific) and make sweet passionate dirty space love to them. Well the reality of sex in space is in fact, as we understand things now, not good/practical. They’re many issues that a human in space will run into and of which none have sandwich lined outcomes. So lets start from the beginning, keep in mind that I’m using the male perspective cause well….. I’m a dude.

Space doesn’t have enough gravity or sometimes might have a tad too much gravity, depending on your location, for your body to gear up for sexy time. Lets explore the lack-o-gravity for a second. Because of the zero g’s, you blood pressure is going to be really low. For those who were wrapped up in their papery lust fantasies while staring at the diagrams in health class, low blood pressure means bad blood flow, bad blood flow means it is incredibly hard to get a stiffy. If somehow you ooze masculinity and can laugh in defiance at physics’s face and manage to achieve an erection, the first thing that would happen would be a statue erected (see what I did there) in your honor, and you would be immediately asked to be the drummer of a death metal band. In all seriousness you would probably feel a little light-headed. If there is too much gravity, well you would be too busy wondering if that odd tingling means your stomach is being forced out of your ass. That is most likely a valid concern and might distract you from achieving full glory.

Now lets say you did manage a space boner, then comes the issue of what to do with it? Well, this gets a little tricky because we have several more issues when coupling. Let us assume you are in a space station. So there you are in a cosmic painting of mind boggling epicness that you can’t see really see, a weird floating tingling in your man berries and boom, you have full mast. So in the motion of sex, you will start to produce heat and unless the station is properly cooled, you could die of a heat stroke. Imagine being covered in perspiration with little sweaty crystal balls floating around you, it is the next best thing to a fireplace. Heat doesn’t transfer very well in the great black yonder. Let us assume that the station’s cooling system is working, now you are going to space town, really in the groove, hope you don’t get nauseous! Aside from the awkward positioning partners would have to undertake, which would most likely require a goofy looking space suit or some sort of tethering, comes the issue of ‘blast off’. I don’t know if there is any theories on the subject, but can the sperm still travel downstream? Any who let us assume mission accomplished.

Nothing says sex like track suits.

If the station wasn’t properly shielded from radiation, the bombardment of random protons on a man’s fertility would essentially turn his swimmers into door knob humping sinkers. That same radiation would really hurt female’s eggs and probably cause a whole assortment of defects and issues. So lets say conception takes place, now that fetus is also open to the same proton viking attacks as the mother. In all likelihood the radiation would cause serious defects and limit or hinder the development of the fetus off the bat. Our good friend gravity or rather lack of gravity would also cause issues in the development as well, but not till after 26 weeks. For now as much as we know about space and how to work around the issues of having sex in space, not only is it difficult and awkward, it isn’t practical.

There is the whole ‘team dynamic’ thing to consider too. Can’t have Vlad being sucked out of the toilet because he gave Helga the wink and Doreen got jealous, might turn out that Vlad was the chief engineer and something broke. Got to keep it pro.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: